Out of Shape

“You’re a big  man Brendan. But your cake’s out of shape”.  SuperSilverFoxMasterBaker was laying into Brendan in round 2 of the semi final of the British Bake Off. Brendan was winded. Broken but unbowed. His Fraisier Strawberry cake was meant to be a beautiful one like this but it was a bit sloppy. But not as bad as Danny’s. Her Creme Patissier was a custardy puddle. Brendan and Danny’s Genoese Sponges were great, but the insides were sloppy. James and John’s were good. Brendan had to fight back and avoid the need to eat one of his competitors.

Brendan was dismayed. His round one of 3 sets of 12  Petits Fours had gone down a storm. They really were mouthfuls of delight. The micro choux bun Cygnets were astonishing. I thought only the Queen could eat swan, but I guess Mary counts as royalty. Whilst the others had focussed on Macaroons, Brendan had said no compromise.  Mary and Paul had tried to turn round 1 into an episode of the Apprentice by blathering on about how it was all about “Time Management” and “the ability to multitask”. That was too close to Brendan’s old job as a recruiter. Time Management is an overwrought Cliche he thought. You choose where to spend your time…

In round 1 John has misspent his time and forgot one of Madeleines. It deflated and they played some dramatic music. James’s tarts were lovely but way too big. John’s macaroons were overwrought in chocolate. Danny’s Cat’s Tongue lacked finesse. So Brendan thought he was okay in Round 1.  But Round 2 had slopped out of his hands. It was his ambition to get to next week’s final.

Brendan was sure John and Danny were in the Danger Zone. The third round of a Choux Pastry Gateaux demanded spectacle and innovation. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Fear, loathing and baking made a heady aroma. Brendan was built for baking. He’d gone for a straightforward Gateaux with no adornment. Except for the Kirsch. And the chocolate. As Brendan said “it’s an impertinence to tinker with a masterpiece”.

Brendan was right about John and Danny. Danny’s Rosewater and Lychee St Honore Choux Pastry would showcase her talents, It proved she could make creme patissiere. John’s PassionFruit choux were malformed and looked like Yorkshire Puddings to my untrained eye. And he was right about his  Gateaux.

“It’s a beautiful thing” said SuperSilverFoxMasterBaker. Take that you puffy baker thought  Brendan, We’re about even now. Danny’s Rosewater overpowered the lychees and she was despatched back to intensive care.

So. Thought Brendan. It’s between me and the two students in next week’s final…

Believe and Execute

In sport there’s a fine line between success and failure. At the Olympics Victoria Pendleton got disqualified because she misjudged the changeover line and went too early. The winning German team put a coach on the sidelines so their team knew exactly where the line was. At the Ryder Cup, Rory Mcilroy had to be rushed to the tee-off because he read the start time as Eastern Time, not Central Time.  He turned up, had no time to prepare or practice, and won his round.  If he’d been late, then America would have got a point.

So it’s not always about preparation. It’s about a single moment when things either go well or badly. For the Bakers this week it was went to open the oven door and release their biscuits. It’s when the heat of the oven blows against your face. You’ve made your dough and now you have to lie in it. I think Baking is like Golf. Successful Bakers bake in their heads, not just in the oven.  They need to believe and execute at all levels: physical, mental and spiritual.

In a bid to get inside the judges’ minds, Cathryn and Danni had gone for shades of pink to match Darth Berry’s vibrant Pink blouse.  James wore shorts so that he looked naked from the waist down when he had his pinny on. Well it was his birthday. 21 today, a medical student who seems to bake a lot. I thought medicine was hard work but clearly not.

Of all of our sportspeople, Brendan has moved from Sinsister Hannibal Lecter to confident Lewis Hamilton. He really fancies his chances and reckons there are maybe 2 other participants who might win. It’s the “might”  that’s important in that sentence. Brendan doesn’t really think they have a chance.  Brendan has won this before he even enters the tent.

Round 1 was Savoury Crisp Breads. 48 crispy wafer thin crackers to me and you. They need to be snappy. Cathryn’s weren’t great as she seemed to lose it in the tent. Hers were a bit burnt and bit thick. And she only made 46.  Cathryn had lost this round in her head before she entered the tent. The others executed well.

The Technical Challenge was a corker. Izzy’s favourite biscuit: the chocolate teacake. A chocolate dome that encases a Marshmallow with flat digestive base. They have to create shiny chocloate domes of joy. John was sweaty as it was 30 degrees in the tent. He doubted the marshiness of his marshmallow. And he was right the marshmallow was runny. Cathryn had a nightmare. Her chocolate split to reveal the marshmallow, eerily recreating the look of her jam and cream filled buns from last week. Danni’s was like whipped cream.

Brendan made his biscuits too thick and created chocolate weebles that wobbled. James was star baker with lovely teacakes.

The showstopper round was a GingerBread structure. This was the opportunity for our contestants to get creative. It had be large. It had to be bold. It had to stun. It had to be Gingerbread. I reckon SilverFoxSuperMasterBakerBloke wanted to usurp the other silver fox Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs and become the NinjaSilverFoxSuperMasterBakerBloke.

Uberconfident Brendan went for a Walt Disney inspired cute thatched fantasy Gingerbread bird house. With clematis icing across the roof and birds tweeting outside. I thought it looked great. Mary liked it but was disappointed with  the thatched roof. Or as Mary said “I’m disappointed with the thatched roof being made of breakfast cereal.” The distaste in her face was the fact that they were shredded wheat tiles. Brendan was heartbroken. His smugociousness ratcheted down from 11 to 9.8.

Danni made Big Ben. The clock face was cracked. John’s Grand design was the coliseum. Yup 100 pieces of gingerbread hand glued with caramel and pecan peanut gravel for that authentic ancient Roman feel.

John’s was magnificent. Danni’s too soft. Cathryn’s Buckingham Palace was stunning but her choice of flavours was too much for judges. James promised a barn with ginger cake walls. He ran out of time and created a derelict barn with toffee cobwebs.

Despite overpromising and underdelivering, James won the round with his flavours and execution. Cathryn was despatched back to campside baking with the kids. “Ha ha ha HA!” shrieked Izzy. Cathryn had stopped believing in herself. Don’t make the same mistake.

Raw

Mary awoke with a jolt. Had she dreamt the conversation with SilverFoxSuperMasterBakerBloke? She wasn’t sure. She put on her Rorshach inspired white blouson and figured that with the blouson and a bit of auto-suggestion she could weave her web of evil.

This week they had to kick out two duffers to bring it down to five. The not-so-secret seven become the famous-five chortled Mary as the Rolls whisked her to the tent of doom.  It was enriched Sweet Dough this week : A basic bread dough with added eggs, milk or sugar. We need 24 even buns for round 1 which could be lardy buns, saffron buns or chelsea buns or any other sweet bun.

Four of the duffers went for variation on the chelsea bun. Brendan went for a Polish inspired ChelseaBunSki. Danni went for a bakewell inspired bun. James the trendy medic went for  cider  hot cross buns. Nine Fingered John went for cherry, almond and Saffron buns.

Cathryn went for Lady Arundels’ Manchet Buns filled with cream and Jam. Ryan just wanted to be decent. Decent Lardy Cakes. Sarah Jane went for Cornish Saffron Buns.

Mary was worried about Ryan. He was babbling like brook. Too many coffees. Ryan’s time management was off. “I should have done chelsea Buns” he kept muttering.  Must be nerves, said Mary. “Gaze at my Blouson and all will be well”.

It was a round of a “bit more”. Cathryn’s needed more Jam and Cream. John’s needed more flavouring. Danni’s were heavenly.  Ryan’s Lardy Cakes were really good. Excellent Texture. Ryan was on a caffeine downer so he couldn’t absorb the praise.  His face was a blank as an empty crossword. Trendy James were nicely flavoured but floppy. Sarah Jane’s needed a little more flavour and little more moisture. Brendan’s were even and very nice.

The technical challenge: 10 Jam Doughnuts.   Soft Dough injected with Jam. Mary marvelled at the simple ruthless elegance of this test. Lots of room for error: from the airiness of the dough to the frying.  Mary watched with glee as none of them could handle the very sticky dough.  She hated the fact that James had made doughnuts before. With John practising round 1’s  chelsea buns for a week Mary wondered how much studying these students actually did.

Ryan’s overproved doughnuts were too much dough and not enough nut. Cathryns and Brendan’s were underproved. John’s were overfried. Danni’s weren’t bad. James’ were okay. Sarah Jane’s were Raw. Raw. And she came 7th. Ryan was 6th. James came first. Redemption from coming last in round 1. Methinks you’ve got Stuart’s Jamminess thought Mary: I should have chosen something he’d not done before.

Ryan had another coffee and started burbling about how he was pleased he wasn’t last. He’s forgotten that two go home this week thought Mary. My blouson must be working.

The showstopper round required dough to prove for 12 hours to create an enriched celebratory loaf like brioche.   Danni went for a European Christmas Wreath Brioche loaf. James and John created a sponger starter motherdough. James being a medic went for a Whisky Kugelhopf-Brioche with Mascarpone cream. John wanted more flavour from his marzipan stollen. Cathryn let her dough warm up to avoid shocking it.  John’s sponge starter dough felt frozen so he had to chuck it into the bin of undercooked ambition. Sarah-Jane went for a six strand chocolate cherry and Marzipan plaited loaf. She need a Miracle to survive. Brendan avoided seventies cliches and went for a Black forest Christmas Stollen in a Bundt tin with 12 sweets. I never did understand Post-Irony said Mary.

Mary’s blouson had really spoken to John. He went all improvisational jazzy and created marzipan and chocolate innards. He’d never done this before but the blouson made him do this. Ryan went savoury; a roast pork loaf that celebrates Chinese New Year. Danni went for Brioche Head cakes that come together into a tear and share affair. Cathryn went for cinammon dough. James went for super strength whisky.

Would Sarah-Jane maintain her 100% record and have three rounds where things taste bad?  John’s was pale and dense, clearly a student thing.

Sarah-Jane’s loaf was ripped. “Yup. It’s raw” added SuperMasterSilverFoxBakerBloke.

“Raw?” said Sarah-Jane, wondering what it was good for.

“Nothing” said Mary and sent Sarah-Jane on way home.

Ryan’s was dry and leaky, with a number of “technical issues”. I thought only planes could have technical issues thought Mary. And She sent Ryan home as well.

The Bin of Burnt Ambition

9 remain after last week’s pastry round.  This week’s it’s desserts. So if like me you’re keen to hear to whose dessert skills didn’t desert them then read on.

Alternatively look away and press delete…

Round 1 Signature bake was a torte. A desert of multiple layers, more than 20cm in diameter.  As the delightful Mary said, it must look good on the inside and outside. The key decision was what to use instead of flour. Most went for nuts. Though Dani the intensive care specialist went for potato flour. I  guessed this might be to get some more patients in her real job. She went for White Chocolate, Lemon and Elderflower Torte. Topped with Blackberries.

SuperMasterBakerSilver Fox said potato flour it was very starchy so this would be “interesting”.  Slightly Sinister Brendan went for chestnut flour. Brendan practices by fattening up, sorry giving his neighbours lavishly decorated precise cakes. That’s when happens when you retire on a good pension. Brendan offered Clementine and Chestnut torte. To influence the judges he sported a Clementine coloured shirt. To avoid overelaboration and save time,  he went for verbena leaves to complement the chestnut flour.  He said this with his TradeMark semi-sinister smirk on his face.

Cathryn, the annoying supermum who bakes when she camps had clearly been spying on Brendan and dressed up with a zebramotiffed scarf, new haircut and glam look. She meant business. She went for White Macadamia and Coffee Torte with a feathered top.  She was very calm this week.

Sarah Jane added amaretti biscuits and claimed this was the bravest thing she had ever done. Childbirth? Nah. This competition makes the paralympics look like kindergarten. Sarah-Jane’s bravery resulted in Chocolate and Almond Truffle Torte with plenty of chocolate ganache.

Jammy PE Teacher Stuart was in competition with Brendan and Cathryn for best outfit. He sported a large floral print Haiwaiian shirt. He was trying not to panic as he folded in whisked egg whites to give the torte lightness.  His shaky baking reputation sought redemption via a Black Forest Torte of 7 layers, including a cherry jelly. “Hope you pull it off mate” said the SuperMasterSilverFox,.

Ryan was in an unfamilar experimental territory and he’d only found the recipe this week. It’s a time for risks so he went for opera torte: Almond and hazelnut sponge flavoured with Green Tea, Covered with green tea flavour cream. There was much head shaking from Ryan.  He went for thin layers, like Stuart.   He baked slim separate layers, some which resembled burnt toast.

Law Student John listened to his sponge to see if it was done. Bubbling sounds means it’s still moist. He went for Torte Noir. Sophisticated French style, covered with ganache. John kept getting his ganache wrong. Panic was setting in. So he trowelled it on. I think I saw him run out of the tent and mug a gardener for a suitable implement. John could cry. He thought his was soooo bad….

Perfect levelling and clear layers are the mark of a master. Cathryn only had two layers. But she stayed calm.  Manisha went for chocolate coated cherries on top of a Almond and Cherry Torte. And so to judging. Ryan’s looked great and unusual. But It was a bitter from the dark chocolate. James ‘ looked lovely, professional and was adored by Mary. Danny’s piping was consistent. “quite something” said Mary.  Brendan’s matching shirt and cake combo was warmly received by the judges.  It warmly reminded them of the tortes we had in the seventies. The judges were sceptical. Brendan offered his hynoptic stare and they liked it on tasting, despite the 2inch cake layers.  Manisha’s looked amazing. Chocolate mixture was a little dry and there was too much alcohol.  Sarah Jane’s ground almonds dried out the texture.  Cathryn’s visibly swooned as SuperMasterBakerSilverFox  said it was amazing. I half expected him to sweep her off her feet, jump onto his steed and take her to baking heaven.

Stuart’s was a mess. It didn’t set. Flavours and textures were good though.  John’s trowelling worked. “It looks like a chocolate breezeblock” said SuperMasterBakerSilverFox. And he was right. John went for a gargantuan cake roughly the size of, well a breezeblock. He looked fraught. It was hard to cut.  John tried to rebut them by saying he wanted to create an “intimidating cake”. This isn’t Goodfellas John.  The judges loved the flavours though.

John was ashamed of himself.  Brendan was nervous that he was locked in the seventies. Stuart wobbled about his wobbly layers. No time to think though as they were plunged into round 2: the technical challenge.  A creme Caramel in mere two and three quarter hours. I think they were trying to out-seventies Brendan.

Cathryn’s super confidence wavered.  Milk, Sugar, Vanilla and Eggs. How hard can it be?  Very hard as it turns out. Caramel must not burn, creme must set, have a texture like milk and still wobble.  Never stir caramel – remember Manisha’s eight attempts from last week? John is having a very bad day as he mucks up his caramel.  Once golden, it’s poured into the ramekins. Dani demonstrated her intensive care precision by letting the caramel stick so that it became a quite beautiful amber pebble. One that lives in the bin of burnt ambition.

Eggs or Egg Yolks for the custard? Some did, some didn’t? How to get the milk the right temperature to get thick enough custard? Our contenders had to use the force to work this out. Cathryn panicked as she rushed the caramels into the bain-marie. Should the water be hot, cold or luke warm mused Brendan.. John tried to talk his caramels into setting, which they did but with a clear caramel.   If they do set, the caramels will come out of the ramekins. Manisha had to freeze hers. John cut his with a knife.  Ryan’s caramel stayed in the ramekin. Cathryn cracked the ramekin trying to force the creme caramel out.

Manisha and Stuarts were sloppy blobs or possibly even blobby slops. Les autres weren’t so bad. Ryan appeared to create scrambled eggy clear caramel. Dani’s had nice caramel colour and was just perfect. Brendans were good.  Manisha and Stuart were bottom, having left the egg white out.  Brendan won with his great wobble.

So it seemed Stuart and Manisha were on the two lane highway to the danger zone. John was sort of slipstreaming behind them. Stuart fancied his chances if he could beat Manisha in round 3. The 4 layered showstopper meringue dessert. 4 meringue layers topped and dressed in anyway you like. A test of texture construction. Who would be bob the builder and who would be George Osborne?

Dani went for ‘Monte Bianco’ Chestnut, Chocolate and Coffee Dacquoise with a chestnut glaze and Hazelnut praline. A Dacquoise is a nut laden meringue, which can send your meringue to a mousse. James went for Fig, Chestnut, Cherry and Chcolate layers. Sarah Jane went for a  tiramisu inspired Hazelnut layered Meringue with a Swiss Meringue top.  Swiss Meringues give you better flexibility. Stuart went for Choca Blocka Mocha Meringue with vanilla sponge and ganache. Mary shook her head at Stuart’s indecision about brittleness of the meringues. Stuart’s nerves were making him lose focus.  SuperMasterBakerSilverFox wanted  decisiveness. Ryan went for Strawberry, Rose and Pistachio Meringue, topped with Rose and Raspberry Mousse.  Brendan wanted to do something special: Pear, Chocolate and Hazel Dacquoise. His was to be classically elegant. Cathryn was calm, she didn’t make her meringues until her honey sponge was ready. A bold strategy as the others were meringuing like there was no tomorrow.  Even bolder was her statement that “It can look quite monstrous”.

The meringues need two hours to dry out, so Cathryn was being very very brave. John was going for Elderflower and Bramble berry Pavlova with gold leaf and a rasperry coulis. This isn’t masterchef-in-the-nineties John. Ryan had to make an extra meringue. Brendan dried his pears with kitchen papers to avoid the life lesson that “moisture and meringue don’t go together.”

Ryan’s was too busy. Okay Meringues but off kilter mousse textures. James’ figs were awkward to cut and there was no definitive identity. Mary damned him with faint praise by saying “a rather exotic fruit salad with a meringue”. Dani’s Monte Bianco looked fun but saddened Mary with the lack of crispness from the Meringues.  SuperMasterBakerSilver Fox was stodgy. Brendan’s was lovely and delicate. John’s looked amazing and was liked. High Risk Cathryn lost the meringues. Dani was a leaning tower of Pisa.  Stuart’s overbusy layered trifle wasn’t tempting enough and tough to cut. Wickes could sell it with John’s chocolate breezeblock.  Manisha’s gave the  SuperMasterBakerSilverFox a bitter taste but Mary liked it.

Brendan was the star baker so his lucky shirt paid off. Stuart’s luck ran out. As he said ” you have good days and bad days. I had  a bad weekend”.

Onwards to Pies.

The Tart of Destiny

I will today, design a  tart that will look stunning” said smug  Brendan  in last night’s Great British Bake Off. Brendan is one of the more interesting characters this year.  He’s retired, smug and is just slightly sinister enough to be Hannibal Lecter. He means business. Would the tarts round see him off though?

Round 1 was the signature challenge: Tarte Tartin. Not a tattie  tart: that was last week with the potato topped pitta bread. History states that someone was making an apple tart but left in the oven for too long.  However the cook thought they could salvage it by turning it upside down revealing the caramelised apples, crisp pastry and shining caramel.  Each of contenders bought their own special perspectives to this.

Danny went for savoury Pear and Roquefort cheese: a genuine challenge to balance the flavours. James went all-in and made full puff pastry rather than rough puff pastry. As you know, full puff involves repeated rolling of the butter into the dough rather than the faster rough puff. James is a bit special. So special he offered Apple+Lavender. That’s a disinfectant, not a tart. Victoria went for more flavour: fig, walnut and PINK PEPPERCORNS. “Good Luck” said the silverfoxmasterbaker. Victoria’s CEO infused crest fell.  Ryan went for Vanilla & Cinammon Spiced Pear. Sarah-Jane  said she had practised hers  3 or 4 times at home: Caramel and Banana. silverfoxmasterbaker loves bananas, so a good strategy from Sarah-Jane.

Mary Berry seemed to be a in mischevious mood. She smirked a lot.  I think this was because the hyper annoying super mum Cathryn said “my kids are my hardest critics” and revealed that even whilst camping, she baked! I tried to make a cup of tea once on a campfire and it took 4weeks. I think they showed her putting a pie on top of a pile of twigs. Next to a tent.  She offered plum and homemade 5spice.

When you’re making your tarte tatins, watch for amber tones of the caramel. John was watching for these whilst making Apple, Vanilla with Walnut Praline. Manisha uttered the words “ooh, that’s never happened before” as her caramel failed. She used a nonstick pan, which mischevious mary said causes problems… So Mainisha remade the caramel. 8 times. 8 times for gawd’s sake. That’s more dedication than an olympian. Alas it was not dark enough and the pastry was undercooked.

Sarah-Jane’s bananas were delicious. Brendan created the uber tarte tatin. Rather than slices of apples he went for apple halves. Victoria’s Fig+Pepper didn’t work . It didn’t know what it was. Victoria’s crest fell and walked out of the room. Stuart the PE teacher had stuck some marzipan in his and it worked! They said it was okay! Cathryn’s lack of a campfire meant she had a soggy bottomed tart but it was scrummy. So she smiled the annnoying smile. Ryan’s was okay. Danny’s wasn’t cheesy enough. James’ disinfectant inspired tart was lovely. silverfoxmasterbaker was delighted with this innovation.

All these tarts were making Izzy hungry. Brendan’s smugness migrated to frustration. Victoria the CEO was disappointed, in the way that senior manager are often “disappointed” . Kathryn said hers was a bit pants.  So much nervousness as round 2 approached: the technical challenge of treacle tart. Which needs an interleaved pastry latitice on the top. This was Mary Berry’s recipe and her mischievousness was to leave out the baking time. Stuart misread the amount of syrup and actually injected the extra amount during the baking, hoping no one would notice. The real test was how to put the interweaved lattice on top. Some weaved it on. Some slid a completed one on. Others created one and slammed it down like a custard pie. The mix is a combination of syrup and breadcrumbs with some lemon juice. Brendan’s was cloying. Amazingly they liked Stuarts. He came 7th! The Jammy PE teacher had struck again. Kathryn redeemed herselft and came third. Manisha came last and Brendan was second last. What a slip for the slugmaster.  Sarah-Jane cried and cried as hers was awful. “It’s a bl**dy” treacle tart” she wailed.

The pastry round was sorting the chefs from the sous-chefs. At this point Izzy was screaming for Victoria’s head, in between wailing how hungry she was. I had to stop her eating the sofa. Their last chance to impress was the Final round: a large fruit tart that should be elaborate, ornate and look good in the front of a high end patisserie.  The contenders needed  to have the vision of a patissier, the precision of CERN and presentation skills of Brian Cox.  Stuart went for Triple Layered Chocolate with fresh raspberry jelly. This was a masterpiece. I kid you not. It was astonishing in it’s loveliness. Kathryn went square offering us raspberry, pistachio and lemon. Was this too ordinary? “Get a Grip” shrieked Izzy.

The threatened Victoria went for less is more. Tropical fruit  with a black pepper crust. That’s more senior management innovation for you. Brendan’s grasp at redemption was an extremely atttractive dragon fruit.and Not sure it was “stunning” but it looked okay in a soggy way. James excelled by topping his with lovely macaroons. The rest were exceedingly attractive.  The judges voted James the star baker and sent Victoria to the cul-de-sac  of mediocrity.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS” said Izzy.  Brendan’s post match analysis was that “this was the trigger to open up the competition”:  Hannibal speaks.  Kathryn said Victoria was brilliant and she’s gone home, so she shouldn’t be so scared! I didn’t  hear her say “feel the fear and do it anyway”  but I did hear Izzy groan. Again.

Until next week….

Life, but not as you know it

“Understand bread, understand baking” said Yoda, I mean the silverfoxmasterbaker. Yup, it’s another week in the Great British Bake off. Bread was this weeks challenge. Would we see the intense tent, the overloaded oven or the pitta of pain?

11 remain, which means there’s a spare cooking station at in the tent. Our remaining contenders are like swans. Calm above the water, appearing all jolly and jovial but under the water they are flapping around hoping their opponents are sucked into the maesltrom of bad baking. It’s a jungle in there. Sometimes it makes me wonder…

Round 1 was flatbreads. 6 with yeast, 6 without. It appears this week they sought inspiration in pret a manger, the sandwich shop where everything has 1 too many ingredients. In fact the on-screen descriptions had to be in super micro text to fit on the screen. Here’s what they offered

Victoria CEO – Coriander and Lemon Roti, Garlic and PARSNIP chapatis: Bland and underseasoned

Peter  – Fennel &  Nigella and Bannoch Bread: very salty.

John – Garlic & Pomengrate and Potato Pittas: No need for the salt on top

Manisha – Indian and Italian flatbread – Really Tasty

Danny – Lime, Coriander & Coconut Tortillas & Zaalar Naan: Thin and Fantatstic. The lime was adored.

Stuart – Bombay Bread with Chorizo & Spring Onion Naan: Where’s the chorizo said the silverfoxmasterbaker.

Ryan – Garlic & Coriander Naan and SHANGHAI spring onion flatbread: Really nice, good texture.

Brendan – Middle eastern Taboor bread and Indian Roti: Unique consistent

Cathryn – Spice Mango Naan & Coriander, Chilli and Lime Tortillas

Sarah Jane – Oatcakes and Beer Roti: The beer was enjoyed by the silverfoxmasterbaker.

This week’s technical challenge would separate the wheat from the chaff.  An eight way plaited bread. Create eight strands of dough, then basically knit them together. Even width and length, soft crumb and a golden crust are essential. That’s almost a recipe for life. To misquote Yoda, “Understand bread, understand baking, understand life.”

Kathryn the uptight supermum (“Quite annoying” says izzy) had her head in her hands. The recipe was writing paycheques her body couldn’t cash. Stuart the jammy PE teacher dropped his dough on the floor. This was not to add an extra ingredient.  Like any great PE teacher, he used this to his advantage and practiced the knitting part of the challenge.  Kathryn went for assembly by eye. She had a very sad face. Peter tried to assemble his and then had some bits left over, so he folded them into a nice blob at the end. The others were generally okay, producing nice attractive loaves.  Stuarts was actually raw, so his practice didn’t really help him.

Two rounds in and Peter and Victoria were on the precipice. The third round would decide: Bagels. 12 sweet and 12 savoury. The Bagel is a circle that represents the circle of life.  You make dough, prove it, boil it and then bake.  No wonder it’s a circle of life: it takes your lifetime to cook the things.

Victoria offered Saffron & Golden Raisin and Porcini & Mushroom  Cheese bagels. These were a bit flat but okay texture wise.  Peter, trying everything to save himself, offered his bagels draped in a US Flag. They were bread rolls, not bagels barked silverfoxmasterbaker. Stuart’s Cinammon & Cranberry and Tomato & Thyme were overproved .

Brendan delivered his on platter of smug.  He’d gone for 12 bagels and 12 twist like bagels. Silverfoxmasterbaker barked again. “BreadRings”. Mary Berry said “not sure I like it”. Far too controversial. Ryan’s Cinnamon, Date & Tarragon and Rosemary Bagels were deemed to have good flavours. John’s were overbaked but good (another metaphor for life) and James’ attempt at sourdough was brave, adventurous and much admired.

So who would walk? I hoped Brendan’s smugness would send him back. Izzy said there was a likeable mum and an Evil Mum (Kathryn), and hoped Kathryn would get to hold her head in her hands for longer. Stuart survived again, though he did pull a Jammy PE teacher face.  Alas twas Peter who was sent home.

Thoughts from Home, Nov 2011

7 contestants remain in the week before the quarterfinals. Pies this week. Pies can take you from despair to perfection. Round 1 saw our contestants’ signature pies. Pies can either be rough puff or flaky, which contrast with the filling. As Feargal Sharkey might have said a good pie is hard to find. Pastry should be well-risen, finished with a nicely browned crust. In the flaky corner Yasmin counted the peppercorns that went into her fish and quail egg pie. Holly went for 3 cheeses and caramelised onions. Janet went for chicken, bacon and chestnut. Hers was normally turkey but she couldn’t be asked to roast a turkey in the summer for the competition. I thought she wasn’t taking it seriously enough… Mary Ann also went for Chicken and Bacon but went avant-garde with her pastry making. She kept it in a freezer bag and added Vinegar to keep it flaky. “Rather mucked about”, said Mary Berry. I agreed.

In the Rough Puff Corner Rob Da Fopp – chicken and mushroom, Jo – Salmon and asparagus. More avant-garde process by cooking the lid separately! That’s not a pie, it’s a frisbee. “Rather Sad” said Mary Berry.  We all agreed. Jason – cajun style chicken. Holly annoys Izzy because she’s not interesting enough. Her pie was faultless, thus rendering her even more annoying. Rob’s time management let him down and the pie hadn’t rested enough. Jo’s separate lid was thin and had an air of aloofness. Yasmin’s pie had good colour but not enough of a rise. Mary Ann’s vinegar flavoured the pastry, which was not quite what she intended… Jason’s rough puff wasn’t layered enough.

So after round 1, Jason, Jo and Rob looked in jeopardy.

And so to round 2, the challenge of a pork pie. 6 miniature pies in 2.5 hours. Pork Pies need a hot water crust (lard+butter+water), finely minced pork and a quails egg. What is it with quail’s eggs this week?!! Jason had never boiled an egg before so this was a huge challenge.
“I don’t eat boiled eggs” said Jason. Annoying Holly’s Pastry was too thick. “Hah!” cried the crowd at number 39: Caroline shares Izzy’s views. Mary Ann forgot to season the pork and had to scrape the
mix out of the pie: like I said, it’s the small details at this level of pork piedom.

Unsurprisingly Jason lost this round. Pies are not his thing He was sad but he is only 19. Janet came top. Yasmin was worried as “No one is safe”. I hadn’t realised I was watching the
Bourne Piedentity: such is the level of suspense.

And the final challenge beckoned. We entered the stratosphere of pie-making: A sweet meringue pie. To make the grade, a crisp base, bold and magnificent flavours and soft but firm topping. The critical choice is whether to finish with Italian or French Meringues. Our  contestants made their choices: Holly and Mary went for chocolate pastry. Feeling the pressure Jason went for plum, Rob’s choice was rhubarb and
custard. Remember these are meringue pies!

Rob got an official warning on timing from the super baker judge bloke. He finished with minutes to spare. Bits fell off. Janet and Mary Ann’s were delicious and scrumptious. Holly wasted her
chocolate. Jason’s pastry was soggy and flavourless. “A disaster” said the superbakerjudge. Yasmin’s wobbled too much and raw pastry. We have to say some looked stunning.

But the drop zone was all about Yasmin,. Jason and Rob da Fopp. In true Bourne Piedentity style Yasmin
“dodged a bullet” (her words) and Rob and Jason took the long baker’s walk. There were tears here in Ealing as we liked Jason. But that might be because Holly’s still annoying and still in the contest.

Next week: 5 contestants. 3 deserts: Baked Cheesecake, Chocolate Roulade and Profiteroles. We predict a riot.

The Great British Bake-off 2012: The Decathlon of Cooking

Dear old Blighty bathes in a post Olympic glow. The footballers are being told to behave better (but of course they think they are quite okay thanks), the PM suggests 1 hour of PE per day at schools (but sells off 31 playing fields) and a letter in the daily mail suggests flying the union jack from every school to keep the “Team GB” thing going. But what shall we do now?

Well there’s one thing thing worth watching on British TV and it’s not Man vs Food. The decathlon of cooking is back: the Great British Bake off.  And I know you want to hear about it.  The format remains the same: people in a tent bake stuff for Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood, the silver fox  who’s every houseperson’s favourite.  The customary cast ranging from uber posh super competitive village baker to uptight super housewife via student with glasses that are too big. Izzy hasn’t told me who is “annoying” yet so you’ll have to try and imagine.

Round 1 was cake. Upside down cake. that’s where you shove fruit at the bottom and then flip it at the end. Normally pineapple, we had a cavalcade of nonsense. Ryan took the pips out of his kumquats (painful I know) and made a polenta cake. Polenta for gawd’s sake. This was a  high risk strategy. John went square. Karthryn made apple, vanilla, hazelnut and calvados. She was nervous when the super judges inspected. She was so tense she couldn’t unclench her hands.  Intense in a tent you might say (Badum). Manisha went for Caramel golden syrup with no lining! Victoria said there are no shortcuts. She’s the CEO of a charity and bakes to relax. Apparently her cakes are much in demand in the office. But then she’s the boss. Who would say no? Natasha went for a cariibbean twist.

Stuart the PE teacher was clearly a maverick baker. Think Tom Cruise in Top Gun but baking instead of flying. Stuart plays by his own rules. So when asked for an upside down cake that’s normally fruit flavoured he opted for Tomato. With Ginger. I think this made me think of all of my PE lessons and how i felt during them; like eating a tomato and ginger topped upside down cake.  Alas Stuart was such a maverick that he forgot to include the tomato jam. Which apparently would have made it taste nice!!  So at this point I reckoned Stuart would be walking home. 

Jason the student spent his student loan on pecans, peas and parsnips. With typical student timing he delivered his essay, i mean cake, with 1 minute to spare.

And so to judging – Ryan’s polenta cake was too dry. Kathryn’s cake was  beautiful and she unclenched her hand. Sarah Jane overbaked hers. Victoria the cake baking CEO’s offering was deemed professional and delicious. “Oh really!” she said, trying to act like it was a lucky thing. The others did okay. Except Stuart the maverick PE teacher. His cake was deeply unattractive. With Tomatoes adding moisture to a dense ginger cake.

Round 2 was the technical challenge. Rum baba is a seventies favourite involving baking cake, soaking in rum and them filling with fruit,. Brendan stuck a towel on his and it stuck to the cake mix during proving. John used salt not sugar to coat the baba mix. Natasha went off piste and used a bain marie to bake the mix. The recipe didn’t specify technique and something was telling her to do this. The god of stupidity. She lost the round.  One thing I learnt was that “stress and baking taste terrible”. I think there was a lot stress in the tent.

Round 3 was the 5 hour challenge of the hidden design cake. This is an iced cake that your slice and it reveals another design on the inside. We had two people offering union jacks. One was Peter who created a flag with surgical precision, straight lines, beautiful colours and general loveliness. The other was Stuart the PC teacher. He used an old trainer to draw the lines with and created a right jumble. His was less sturdy. The others made cakes themed around cupcakes, roses, blackbirds in a pie (these CEOs, always being radical).  One of the students made a giant cake that was technically raw. My favourite was the crown.

So I reckoned Stuart was going to do walk of shame and leave the tent’s intensity.  Alas Natasha lost out and left. Stuart remains in, for comedy porpoises methinks. This week they have to bake an eight stranded plaited loaf and bake 24 bagels. More intensity awaits us in the cauldron that is the Great British Bake off.